8 Ways Single NRIs Can Cure Loneliness — The Only Article NRIs Need!
Loneliness is a crippling and under-explored problem of single NRI’s, so much, it needs HUGE PROBLEM to be written in caps. It makes NRIs cry, slip into depression, feel anxiety during trips, look needy, be on call with family at hours, and make friends with the “wrong” people.
Google “How to cure loneliness” and NRIs find “spa, meditation, mindfulness, travel, party” as suggestions. Here, I have additional suggestions specific to NRIs.
Does India Cure Loneliness?
I’ve seen both sides of life — living abroad alone, living in India alone, living with (visiting) family abroad and living in India with family. I found loneliness penetrated even through India sometimes! My conclusions:
1. Loneliness definitely can be felt in India, but it’s in 0.X%’s , ie magnitudes lesser, than the feeling abroad.
2. Loneliness while living abroad, can be lessened by magnitudes with family (parents) visiting.
3. Couples can feel lonely too (many of my married clients have corroborated this).
Why do single NRIs feel lonely?
As a single NRI, I didn’t feel taken care of. Anything from restocking cereal on the tallest shelf, lifting heavy groceries from the car, splitting expenses with couples at dinners, to bigger things like booking flight tickets, visa applications, and job changes, can consciously make single NRIs feel “Am I the only one cares about me?”.
Single NRIs also have to make decisions on their own. Family makes you feel that someone’s got your back, someone’s thinking of your best interests, and with family around, you don’t have to call someone with a “sorry do you have a minute to help”. It makes you feel safe and cared for, and less vulnerable to outsiders.
This means we have to cure, not just loneliness, but the root problem of not feeling safe or taken care of. If we cracked the code of feeling safe and cared for, what would that look like for you? Here goes:
1. Remove Decision Fatigue
As a single NRI, did you ever find yourself overthinking a decision?
“Should I extend my stay in Chicago by 4 hours? Maybe I’ll take the 5 pm flight, or wait, I can take the 2 pm flight.”
“Should I visit Neha and her husband? I’ve got a dinner invite but not sure. It’s too far, and I might get tired”.
There are too many decisions to be made as a single NRI- pushing you into decision fatigue — you’re in a constant mode of
Judging (“is this the RIGHT thing to do?”),
Comparing (someone out there is having more fun than me — FOMOing), or
Over-planning (“What if I go to store, then Neha’s house, then return by subway?”).
(I’m not like that anymore) but for me just choosing between a 2 pm and 5 pm return flight would make me hope for a spreadsheet pro-con comparison, fearing there is a WRONG answer in any of this. While I could have just picked one option — no option is wrong! Decision fatigue makes you feel uncared for. So either outsource it, or don’t sweat the small stuff, or just pick an option and go with it.
2. Living The Rich Life
The concept of a rich life is a new favourite — What are those things you like, which make you feel like luxury?
For me (in India) it’s a nice cup of coffee, travelling comfortably (eg. being seated in the front of the aircraft (yea!)). What’s yours? Write it down or DM me.
Live a rich NRI life by giving yourself permission, to spend on the small luxuries like a massage, a spa pedicure, a limo ride to wine county, a taxi ride home, treating yourself at a Michelin star restaurant… or even big things like a better car, better furniture and quality clothes.
This will help you feel cared for — don’t assume you will get cared for in a relationship. It’s healthy for everyone, even married folks, to take care of their needs.
3. A Comfortable Home
I was stepping into the home of this couple in San Jose — they were rich on paper, but lived like paupers in a cage. The combined $300k salary reflected only on their resume — the home was pieced together with mismatched futons, a shoe rack greeted you at the entrance with a faint “fragrance”, the appliances 2nd hand and cheap — But, I hypocritically judged him while I was making theek-thaak furniture choices because you know, as single NRI who wanted to move to India — Heck I’m not buying no luxury furniture baby!
Single NRIs, look deeper into the equation:
$ of making your surroundings beautiful, liveable, and comfortable <<< $ cost of loneliness.
Making your home inviting, sexy, instagrammy and dapper, will help you feel less FOMO and less the need to go somewhere else. Because safe, is here. My friend had an SF apartment with full French windows. She woke up from her bed to see the gorgeous refreshing view of bay bridge over waters…. Tough to feel lonely with this view. It’s also advantageous because you will be that friend whose home people want to visit, or even stay over! Make the most of the opportunity of being in counties where you can rent apartments with a great view. Take care of your surroundings.
4. Hangout with Energy, not People
A client once told me “I hate Friday evenings. I end up hanging out with a guy who rants. It cures my loneliness but I don’t like him”. Raise your hand if you’ve done this too!
I used to hangout with another single NRI who was a bit toxic for me — she was frustrated, and fireballed her anger on me over small things, like the way I pronounced: “dosa” (an indiscernible difference — “it’s dosa….not dosa”). Why was I hanging out with a person who isn’t in a mental state to be in a healthy and respectful acquaintance-ship? I would now choose to hangout with people who have the same or better energy than me.
5. Find Better Friends
Single NRIs — you don’t need to stick with people who prioritise cooking daal, leetcoding, or a tire rotation, above meeting with you. Go find people who want to hangout. Yea, keep the energy in mind, but you can find people who are ok with hanging out over an activity like trekking, shopping or exploring state parks through special interest groups like trekking, photography, theatre etc. Don’t underestimate finding good friends through dating apps — you never know if you click with someone and friendzone them (:P), but if both of you friendzone each other, it might work out to be fun!
6. Get a Flatmate
I had a friend who said, “How does it look if a man stays with a roommate?”. If you feel you’re too old for a flatmate, you haven’t had the best flatmate experience yet. Having a good flatmate is so worth any judgement society can throw at you. It looks how it looks. But then with a fun group of flatmates you can feel safe, that you will return home to a smiling face and have someone to play video games with or share your chai with.
7. What are YOU Offering to Others?
You want company? What are YOU giving to others? Are you just showing up with a tag-along attitude? Kinda like “entertain me” or like a thakur in hindi movies, with gajara on hand, saying “naach ke dikhao”, minus the confidence. That means you’re expecting others to take care of you. No one helps those who don’t help themselves, so pull up your game, and take care of yourself. How? Go back to “living the rich life” and do the things that make you feel cared for.
8. Use Technology
There is this tool called focusmate.com which pairs you with a video partner for 50 mins and it will make you feel like you have someone to work with. Worth trying! Facebook has a “create room” feature now. Try that. Instagram sharing might be shallow for some, but Instagram sharing can make that loneliness feel less, because you feel you have someone to share your life with — again, safe and taken care of.
So how do you take care of yourself? What do you do? Mention in the comments!
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I’m Nupur and I help NRIs make decisions on moving to India, and living a better life abroad. Check out more resources on www.nupurdave.in
